Tag Archives: “ex-gay” parent

Amen Sister!

alanandleslieIn this awesome post by Leslie Chambers (wife of Alan Chambers President of Exodus International ) she shares about her marriage, grace and true freedom in Christ! Read and enjoy! From the Exodus Blog. . .

Leslie Chambers Tackles Heterosexuality, Hyper-Grace, and Offers Hope.

Have you ever wondered what people think of you? As my husband is Alan Chambers, the President of Exodus International, I have. At present, he is somewhat of a conundrum for a lot of people. There seems to be some confusion about who he is, what he is saying and what he stands for. Here it is in a nutshell: while he has repeatedly stated his biblically orthodox view of sexuality, he has also stated his belief that one particular sin is not somehow more offensive to God than another. As his wife, I have stayed out of most of the chaos, but there are a few things that I cannot be silent about any longer. So here it goes… click here to read the rest!

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Video Tuesday: The Huffington Post on Mixed Orientation Marriages

Well I couldn’t get the video to show up in the post so you will have to click this link to watch this fascinating discussion on Mixed Orientation Marriages.

On the panel they have

Juliet Jeske – Check out her blog post One ‘Straight Spouse’ for Marriage Equality on the Huffington Post site.

Ty Mansfield – He is sharing his story of Living With Same Sex Attractions with the world in this wonderful blog post by he and his wife

Carren Strock – She is the author of the book Married Women Who Love Women

Amity Buxton- She is the author and founder of Straight Spouse Network

I wish they had been able to talk more about the family and kids of those in MOMs but I still think it’s worth listening to and I would love to hear feedback. I think as the days go by we will see more and more discussion on this topic and I think it is important for families like ours to speak out and share our stories good or bad.

This is a video of our dad talking about being married to our mom.

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A Safe Place.

Today I read this article Growing Up With Two Moms:The Untold Children’s View, it was written a few months ago by a man named Robert Lopez who grew up with two moms, he shares about his confusion and difficulty growing up without a father or any other male role model.He also talks about feeling silenced by the gay community .  Having grown up in a somewhat more traditional family with only one SSA parent I don’t know the same pain as Robert Lopez but I do identify with his frustration about not being counted,but instead silenced. He talks about being ignored and treated like it would be better if his voice was erased from the public conversation on this issue. And while I don’t share all of his views I appreciate and commend his determination and willingness to speak out .

He also talks about the affirmation he found in the 2012 Regnerus Study , a study that explores the impact of SSA parenting on the children involved. And it makes sense that he would feel that way. The study has received praise and criticism but I don’t think voices like Mr. Lopez’s can be ignored anymore.

At Tourniquet we are not here to push any agenda whether we agree with it or not. What we are here to do is give people like Me, like Mr. Lopez , like you a safe place to speak, a place to find support and understanding and a place to find a way forward. We believe that restoration is possible even in these  hard situations and that no matter what your upbringing you can find hope and freedom through a relationship with Jesus Christ. We hope to one day be able to reach more and more kids of SSA parents because we know the loneliness of growing up where you are misunderstood from every side and we have found that there is restoration in Jesus and a purpose in our stories!

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A collection of wounds

” When I cannot feel, when my wounds won’t heal. Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You.”

I can’t remember how old I was when I heard this song for the first time, probably 11 or 12 but I do remember where I heard it. It was at a Dennis Jernigan concert I went to with my parents. They had first heard about Dennis when he lead the worship for an Exodus Freedom Conference. They  came home and told us about this really amazing guy and the beautiful songs he sang. At that time in my life I was struggling a lot with my relationship with God and my parents . As a girl getting to a certain age I needed something from my dad that he wasn’t at the time, great at giving. At that tender age I wasn’t sure how to express my own femininity , it had been my experience that being too girly got you hurt or at least that was my perception and my dad didn’t seem to be a fan of the female body or what it represented so I had a lot of pain and anxiety sitting on me and some major confusion and I had already started a collection of these wounds . Hearing this song that night was like a life line to me. My heart was so overcome when I heard those words and for the first time realized that I could take that hurt and pain to God. So I began to go to Him when I was feeling those wounds pressing down on me, sometimes I would be laying flat on the floor or curled up in a ball by this pain and when I offered these things to Him you know what? I was able to stand, to get up and to let those things scatter at my feet instead of being piled on top of me.

Just like when a young child gets hurt, what do parents do? They hold their child , they say ” I’m so sorry you are hurt, it’s gonna be ok. I love you.” It doesn’t take the pain away and it doesn’t turn back time and stop the hurt from happening but it’s what they need . It’s what WE need.

We can pile up wounds  around us like little stones and as that pile grows we are more and more buried, shut out from the world.
The way I see it , when I am hurting I have two options. Add to my stone collection and carry the weight of those hurts everywhere I go or I can release that hurt to God. That doesn’t mean He will take the pain away instantly but it does take the weight off of me and its giving it to One who knows my hurt and  loves me with such a furious love that he will not only hold me and love me through it but he will use that hurt for so much  good. Maybe I have to do it every day, maybe every minute but I can tell you I’ve tried both ways and just knowing there is a Father waiting with open arms to take my pain and comfort me
gives me  just enough courage to keep going.

                                                                                                                       

As children we grow up with this idea that we know our parents, and know them well. But when a parent shares something like a battle with Same Sex Attractions that grand illusion is shattered and it’s scary . But you know, we are not alone,children of men and women with Same Sex Attrations, because the truth is, all parents have wounds of their own and their own places that need God’s touch.

Still, it’s a shock to learn something about your parent that you never guessed at or even if you did it’s still hard when it’s spoken true. And I know it can feel like a ball of fear and anger and uncertainty just sitting on your chest but hold out that pain to God don’t be afraid to tell Him how you really feel about it, let Him comfort you.

Whatever you are dealing with in your life, whatever the wounds I hope you know you can be completely honest with the Lord and I hope you know that that’s the reason we are writing this blog, to give you another place to reach out to. I wanna leave you with a video of Dennis singing that song that touched my little girl heart so many  years ago, I hope it can be a lifeline for you as well.

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Exodus Week-End Review for October 5th


Great question this week, Does Exodus promote and value a single life as much as a married one? The always fantastic Randy Thomas shares about his experiences on this subject as well as his time with the highlighted ministry of the week Living Hope. Check it out to learn more.

Also highlighted this week is a great book, Leaving Homosexuality by Alan Chambers which can be purchased at  Exodus Books online.

Hope you are Blessed!

                                                       

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Fresh Eyes: Guest Author Jim Marks.

We are excited to share our very first post by a guest author! Jim is a dear friend who’s journey into orthodoxy has been inspiring to me and who’s insights I’ve found very helpful as I branch out of my strictly evangelical thinking.I really appreciate his willingness to represent a largely  unrepresented perspective here, as I hope you will as well. – Katie

First and foremost, this is not my blog. I’m a guest, and it is important to me that this essay and any conversation it generates respects the intended context of this blog. That being said, I’ve been asked to write this essay to articulate my (admittedly limited) understanding of the way the Eastern Orthodox Church approaches the subject of same sex attraction and Christianity and how that approach may differ from Western Christianity. It is important to me that any conversation here not turn to a critique (or defense) of Orthodox Christianity or be mistaken for an attempt to assert that Orthodoxy is superior, or the current state of Western Christianity. I am more than happy to discuss those topics with interested parties, just not here.

Some brief words about my background:

Prayer Wall.
We ask saints to pray for us just as we would any friend, The Saints are in the presence of God and so their prayer is ceaseless and direct .

I grew up in the United Methodist Church. I attended and graduated from Gordon College in 1995. I spent the next year living with the Jesus People USA intentional community in northern Chicago. On the basis of these experiences I came to the decision that I could not remain a Protestant, and sought to enter the Orthodox Church. For reasons which are complex and unimportant here, this ended up taking until 2009 to achieve. The delay was at times extremely distressing, but ultimately taught me many things which have turned out to be crucial for my new journey within this very ancient tradition. I was originally completely unprepared for just how different this approach to the life of faith the Eastern Church truly is. I write about these differences across a wide array of subjects on my own blog, but I will restrict my comments here to the appropriate topic.

The most important differences to highlight here are the Orthodox understanding of salvation, temptation, sin and repentance. Ultimately, what it means to “be a Christian” will be seen to not be something different, but to be understood in a different way.

Recognizing that there is an enormous spectrum of precise beliefs, I believe that we can say that in the West, salvation is understood primarily as an event. An assent of the will is made to “accept Jesus Christ” (either with or without accompanying ritual), repentance for past sins is expressed, and from this point forward a person is “saved” and is a Christian. For the most part, the only way this salvation can be lost is through explicit apostasy — abandoning Christ and willfully turning back to a life of sin.

In the East, salvation is not an event which occurs at a point in time, rather it is a journey which may have its beginning with a willed assent (but can also begin by being born into a family of faith who begins this journey for you long before you consciously acknowledge it) to follow Christ but which does not end until death, possibly not even then. Repentance, rejection of sin, the pursuit of a relationship with God, these are the activities of every moment of our lives. God’s plan to save all of humanity from death and sin is something which we must continually participate in throughout our entire life. Whether any given person is “saved” is for God alone to judge, and only in specific cases is a human life so infused with the divine energy of the Holy Spirit that we can say with confidence that such a person was saved. We call such persons Saints which is a word that has its etymology in the same Greek word (agios) we use to describe God — holy. We can become by grace what Christ is by nature.

We were created to live in loving relationship with God. God loves all creation unconditionally. God is boundless, infinite love. There is nothing we can do to lose God’s love. The life of faith is neither about suddenly receiving God’s love or earning God’s love, rather it is about growing into a being which can return that love through the way we live our life. This can easily be mistaken for “works based” religion, often placed under either the Pelagian or semi-Pelagian heresies. It is important to stress that our salvation comes not from the effort we put into loving God. We are saved by God’s grace. However, in just the same way that if I love my wife I am simply incapable of behaving toward her in any way except those which express that love, so too if I love God, I am incapable of behaving in any way except those which express that love. The grace comes first, then the faith, then the love, and then the works flow inevitably from that love.

The reason this is important is because it creates a very different view of sin in the life of a Christian. In the West, there is always this (in many cases unspoken, but in some cases explicit) sense that Christians do not sin. The life of faith therefore becomes predominantly focused on moral living. Of course, it is the heartfelt desire and goal of all Christians not to sin. But fallen creatures are fallen creatures, and in spite of ourselves, we all Fall from time to time. For many of us, certain sins have become such a habit that they may require months, years, even decades to fully overcome — unless God’s Providence delivers us immediately which He does do, but not in all cases. We do not all become agios overnight. Some of us, I dare say many of us, will never be agios in this lifetime.

This is why the Orthodox Church has the sacrament of confession. It is also why we receive the sacrament of the Eucharist so frequently. The body and blood of Christ, receiving him directly into our bodies, is medicine which heals both body and soul from the disease of sin. We repent, we confess, we receive that which cleanses us. We pray daily for forgiveness, for grace, for the strength to resist today what we failed to resist yesterday. This is the life of faith. Not merely the pursuit of a moral and pure life, but a relationship with God in his love which so infuses us that there is no longer a place for sin to abide. Moral living is the fruit of the spirit which comes after rather than being what we quest for from the beginning.

To be a Christian is not to spend each day trying to live a moral, pure life. To be a Christian is to spend each day pursuing God’s love and seeking His grace to be capable of returning that love to Him. To allow oneself to be filled with divine energy until sin must flee and we become agios.

We also understand that temptation itself is not a sin. Christ himself was tempted. Temptation is an opportunity to resist sin. To cleave to God and reject sin. We do not fall when we are tempted, we only fall when we choose the sin over God’s love. Some of the Fathers of the Church have even suggested that without temptation, salvation would be impossible because we would never have the opportunity to choose God.

I have said nothing yet about sexuality. How is any of what I have said relevant? I will test your patience no longer and I will get to the point. That God has very specific commandments for us about sexuality is not a point of debate. Christ is the bridegroom and the Church is his bride. This union is eternal and has always been and shall always be. He has no other bride and she has no other head. Their fidelity is perfect. The Scriptures are unflinching in teaching us that the union of a man and a woman are the archetype of this cosmic reality. Any sexual act which is beyond the boundaries of this radical monogamy violates that reality. What our contemporary society calls homosexual acts are in no way distinct from this comprehensive view of human sexuality. They are neither exempt, nor especially sinful. Pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, and sex which cannot be marriage are all “equally” outside of the archetype God has given us.

Sex is a beautiful gift from God, but like all gifts it can be distorted, destroyed, even rejected. It is neither a necessary part of life without which our existence is in some way incomplete or invalid, nor is it a right which we can demand. Saint Paul’s epistles make it quite clear that not all are called to be married. The Orthodox Church has preserved this teaching through a rich monastic tradition which has existed since at least the 3rd Century in a formal manner, while recognizing that many of the Faithful lived chaste and celibate lives both before the monastic tonsure as well as after without entering that tonsure explicitly. Christ’s own mother is our example par excellence of the celibate life outside of monasticism.

We live in a culture today which is saturated with sex. Our culture teaches us that sex is a crucial part of our happiness, and that anything which seeks to curtail our pursuit of it is an aberration of nature. Within this context it has become acceptable in the minds of some to insist that the Christian teaching about God’s plan for human sexuality is outdated, bigoted, unnecessarily puritanical, in a word, wrong. But we must never make the mistake of believing that God’s Truth is subject to human culture. The Church has always taught and continues to teach that “sex outside of marriage” is a sin, and that “marriage” is the sacrament of a man and a woman entering into a permanent, exclusive union. It has taught and will always teach these things not because it is “stuck” in some outmoded mindset, but because these things are part of the very fabric of Creation itself which God has revealed to us through The Scriptures and his Incarnate Word.

Our culture also espouses notions of sexual orientation and identity. These are surprisingly modern concepts which have much more to do with politics than with actual sex. Consequently, these terms appear nowhere in either The Scriptures or the Patristic Tradition. This has left Christianity (both East and West) with something of a problem when it comes to discussing the question of whether or not “homosexuality is a sin”. When we refer to the act of homosexual sex, The Scriptures are quite clear. But when we refer to the orientation itself, or the self-identity, we have very little to go on directly. But I would like to suggest that this is a problem for the categorical labels our culture has adopted, not for Christianity.

Western Christianity seems to have taken the approach that a person who identifies as homosexual is therefore by definition unrepentant, and therefore cannot be a Christian. There are several problems with this. The most important being that many homosexuals never actually have sex — just like a great many heterosexual people never have sex. Whether that abstinence is voluntary or not is largely immaterial. But what happens is that if we say the homosexual orientation itself is a sin, whether sexual acts ever actually occur or not, what we are really saying is that temptation itself becomes a sin. Because what the self-identity as “homosexual” really says is “I am a person who is tempted to a particular kind of sin”. It is little different from someone identifying themselves as an alcoholic or greedy, or power mongering or even just ill tempered — the difference being that (essentially) no one embraces those terms as a culturally empowering self-identity. For the most part our culture has not slid so far downhill that we fail to be ashamed of all of our temptations.

But we cannot mistake temptation for sin. Not merely because Christ himself was tempted as we’ve already said, but also because it explicitly denies that heterosexual persons ever experience sexual temptation if we assert that homosexuality is a sin, but heterosexuality is not. Worse still, it creates an artificial “gate” to a relationship with God which is explicitly Pelagian heresy. It insists that a person cleanse themselves of sin before they can become a Christian and receive God’s grace of salvation, forgiveness and love. It merely compounds the heresy to say that this gate only applies to a particular type of sinner who, despite everything The Scriptures say to the contrary, are somehow so especially sinful that God cannot love them until they stop sinning.

We need not even get into the destructive and dehumanizing prospect of seeking to “reorient” someone to actively desire something they have no need to desire. That they do not sin, that in time they are even no longer tempted, is what is needful. Abandoning the identity as “homosexual” is not about the replacement or removal of the temptation, but about accepting that this label has no value when one’s true desire is to love God above oneself. At any rate there is certainly no need to replace it with a self-identity as heterosexual. We are not ultimately sexual beings, we are ultimately relational beings and our orient is to God’s love, not carnality (and this is true for all human persons).

In the Orthodox Church, we recognize that all humanity is composed of sinners. What our particular sins may be are largely unimportant. Even our priests are sinners. We come together as The Church to pray, to worship, to receive sacramental healing and to buoy one another with love to have the strength to live out our repentance each day. If I am tempted to cheat on my wife, I am no different from another man who may be tempted to have sex with men. Both of us need to be in The Church, receiving the same grace and the same love and the same forgiveness. There is no difference between us. In both cases we are tempted. In both cases if we resist that temptation, we are reflecting our love of God. In both cases, without The Church, we will certainly perish in our sins.

Because of all these differences in understanding, The Orthodox Church is able to largely side-step the “culture war” regarding homosexuality. We don’t need to debate about “loving the sinner and hating the sin”. We just love the sinner, with God’s help. Judgement is for God alone. Another man’s sin is between him and God and I must attend to the plank in my own eye. The Church is a hospital. We are all sick, and we all need the medicine that The Church offers to any who come in faith to receive. We stand firm in our Traditional understanding of God’s plan for human relations, while rejecting elevating any specific sin or any contemporary cultural concept to be in some way unique, or distinctly sinful. The Church’s monastic tradition and recognition of the life of celibacy (either under a tonsure or not) as a valid and even laudable endeavor put it on much more tenable ground when it demands that those who have no wife (or husband, I apologize that I have been writing in exclusively male terms) abstain from any and all sexual acts. We have no particular expectation that any member of The Church is sinless and we require no one to assert or demonstrate freedom from any sin before they are either welcome to attend services, or able to enter membership into the sacramental life.

All have sinned and fallen short. It does not particularly matter how or why. All that matters is that we gather as The Church and seek to overcome in the hope that someday, by God’s grace, we will become agios.


Jim Marks is the author of The Life of Meaning blog .
He and his wife live in Houston,Texas.

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Exodus Week-end Review Sept. 28th

Love Won Out recap, Question of the Week (Why should we obey God?) and more !

Each week we will post the new video from Exodus to help spread the word but be sure to check out http://www.exodusinternational.org/ and the highlighted ministry of the week as well.

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Exodus Week-End !

This is the first of many videos to come in this new and exciting video series from Exodus International ! Check it out!

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Turn my Grief to Grace

I recently had a less than pleasant exchange with a well known theologian and I’ve been trying to decide how to write about it for a couple of weeks now. I know, who am I to take on a theologian, right? Blame it on my age or the fact that I am my mother’s daughter, but I’ve always believed in seeking the truth even when it means asking questions of those whom other people may just take at their word. For this very reason this particular theologian called me “arrogant”. Perhaps you also think it’s arrogance, but I hope not.

Rather than tear this person and his beliefs apart in a public space, instead I just want to address one topic from the exchange, the heart of it really- “cheap grace”.

I’ve heard the term “cheap grace” used A LOT recently and it immediately registers both pain and anger in me because I don’t think there’s anything cheap about grace. My understanding is that grace costs quite a lot. It cost our Savior his life, can it be more costly than that? It seems the part that some people are referring to as “cheap” is wrapped up in what it doesn’t cost to receive grace and that’s the part I want to speak to.

Why Grace Isn’t Cheap
In a moment of divine intervention as I struggled with writing, my friend sent me this message

“This is an excerpt from a book I’m reading for school called Sin and Grace in Christian Counseling by Mark McMinn. It is so good. I’m in class right now reading it and here McMinn is writing about a friend who suffered from clinical depression and how most of the people who tried to comfort/counsel him were not helpful at all. But he had one friend who would come every afternoon and massage his feet. They would talk some, but usually just enjoy silence together. He said he ‘offered human touch and comfort to a sacred soul with weary feet.’ I just thought this was beautiful…”

“It is one human being sitting with another, being present in a time of darkness, offering a ministry of mercy while avoiding trite words of advice or comfort… But as they sit together in a posture of sorrow, there is a glimmer of hope because, however sorrowful they may be, they are still sitting together, enveloped in a common faith that God is good even in the darkest moments. Hope may be found in a steady thumb caressing a calloused foot, in a timely smile, in a simple prayer offered by one for the sake of the other or in a word of compassion. Our world is broken, terribly broken – God knows- but it is not shattered. Creation is still good, God is still active, Christ is still sustaining our world (Col 1:17). And so there is love and hope and faith, and where they all intersect there is the possibility of grace.”

For me this really captures what I believe grace looks like and then 2 Corinthians 5:14-21 got my attention-

14For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and there for all died. 15And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 16So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 18All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

I can wrap my brain around the mentality that looks at what I call grace and calls it cheap, it’s not pleasant, but I can go there. The disconnect between the Theologian and myself on the issue of grace seems to come at the point of receiving grace; I believe that it costs nothing to receive grace and he believes it should cost something.
My trouble with this and why I will continue to believe that it doesn’t cost anything on the receiving end of grace is that the very nature of grace is that it is something given that is undeserved or unearned, otherwise how could it be grace?

What I find amazing is how little responsibility we place on ourselves in giving grace. So many people put all of their emphasis on earning the right to receive grace, even in their personal lives, that that pay very little attention to the responsibility of giving grace, and this for me is where the cost actually does come in, and Jesus’ example to us is paramount.
Do we understand what happened on the cross? Truly? Can we wrap our heads around what it literally means for God to have become sin for us and then murdered sin itself on the cross? It’s a sacrifice that I can’t fully take in, it defies all of the “rules”, how could we earn that kind of sacrifice? We can’t so we’ve received grace freely, no strings attached, no questions asked, no expectations. It’s terrifying. Does this mean that people are allowed to have a relationship with God with zero cost to themselves? Absolutely. Here’s the thing… Corinthians says that God committed to us the message of reconciliation, that it is as though his appeal to the world is being made through us! Those are serious and beautiful words! We are given the ministry of reconciliation, we are called to reconcile as God did, through grace which costs a life- that is our time, our money, our emotion and energy, it costs sitting in silence with a hurting friend, not demanding that they give, but just offering them the opportunity to receive freely.

Grace costs a great deal- do we realize that we pay that cost so that others can receive grace just as Christ paid the cost so that we could receive? How might the world change if we were committed to making God’s appeal to the world for reconciliation by bearing the cost ourselves, as Jesus did through grace instead of drawing lines in the sand and demanding that people earn the right to receive grace?

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Proud Daughters Are We.

A few months ago our church NewChurch Georgetown asked our dad to help them make this video by sharing about his relationship with our mom. We are proud to share this little bit of their story with you here.

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