” When I cannot feel, when my wounds won’t heal. Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You.”
I can’t remember how old I was when I heard this song for the first time, probably 11 or 12 but I do remember where I heard it. It was at a Dennis Jernigan concert I went to with my parents. They had first heard about Dennis when he lead the worship for an Exodus Freedom Conference. They came home and told us about this really amazing guy and the beautiful songs he sang. At that time in my life I was struggling a lot with my relationship with God and my parents . As a girl getting to a certain age I needed something from my dad that he wasn’t at the time, great at giving. At that tender age I wasn’t sure how to express my own femininity , it had been my experience that being too girly got you hurt or at least that was my perception and my dad didn’t seem to be a fan of the female body or what it represented so I had a lot of pain and anxiety sitting on me and some major confusion and I had already started a collection of these wounds . Hearing this song that night was like a life line to me. My heart was so overcome when I heard those words and for the first time realized that I could take that hurt and pain to God. So I began to go to Him when I was feeling those wounds pressing down on me, sometimes I would be laying flat on the floor or curled up in a ball by this pain and when I offered these things to Him you know what? I was able to stand, to get up and to let those things scatter at my feet instead of being piled on top of me.
Just like when a young child gets hurt, what do parents do? They hold their child , they say ” I’m so sorry you are hurt, it’s gonna be ok. I love you.” It doesn’t take the pain away and it doesn’t turn back time and stop the hurt from happening but it’s what they need . It’s what WE need.
We can pile up wounds around us like little stones and as that pile grows we are more and more buried, shut out from the world.
The way I see it , when I am hurting I have two options. Add to my stone collection and carry the weight of those hurts everywhere I go or I can release that hurt to God. That doesn’t mean He will take the pain away instantly but it does take the weight off of me and its giving it to One who knows my hurt and loves me with such a furious love that he will not only hold me and love me through it but he will use that hurt for so much good. Maybe I have to do it every day, maybe every minute but I can tell you I’ve tried both ways and just knowing there is a Father waiting with open arms to take my pain and comfort me
gives me just enough courage to keep going.
As children we grow up with this idea that we know our parents, and know them well. But when a parent shares something like a battle with Same Sex Attractions that grand illusion is shattered and it’s scary . But you know, we are not alone,children of men and women with Same Sex Attrations, because the truth is, all parents have wounds of their own and their own places that need God’s touch.
Still, it’s a shock to learn something about your parent that you never guessed at or even if you did it’s still hard when it’s spoken true. And I know it can feel like a ball of fear and anger and uncertainty just sitting on your chest but hold out that pain to God don’t be afraid to tell Him how you really feel about it, let Him comfort you.
Whatever you are dealing with in your life, whatever the wounds I hope you know you can be completely honest with the Lord and I hope you know that that’s the reason we are writing this blog, to give you another place to reach out to. I wanna leave you with a video of Dennis singing that song that touched my little girl heart so many years ago, I hope it can be a lifeline for you as well.